★ THE MARRIAGE IS DEAD ★ LONG LIVE THE PARTY ★ POOL · BBQ · DRINKS ★ BRING YOUR OWN TOWEL ★ TILL DIVORCE DO US PARTY ★ OFFICIALLY UNMARRIED ★ DEATH BECOMES HIM ★ NEW MAIN CHARACTER ENERGY ★ SINGLE LOOKS GOOD ★ NO EXES DISCOURSE ★ 721 CORONADO BLVD ★ BURIED WITH HONORS ★  ★ THE MARRIAGE IS DEAD ★ LONG LIVE THE PARTY ★ POOL · BBQ · DRINKS ★ BRING YOUR OWN TOWEL ★ TILL DIVORCE DO US PARTY ★ OFFICIALLY UNMARRIED ★ DEATH BECOMES HIM ★ NEW MAIN CHARACTER ENERGY ★ SINGLE LOOKS GOOD ★ NO EXES DISCOURSE ★ 721 CORONADO BLVD ★ BURIED WITH HONORS ★ 
AUGUST 8/1:00 PM/YOU ARE CORDIALLY INVITED TO A FUNERAL

THE MARRIAGE
IS DEAD.

LONG LIVE THE PARTY.

The guest of honor, newly single and thriving ★ THE GUEST OF HONOR ★ DEATH BECOMES HIM. officially single 8·8 · 1PM
FRAME 08 · AUG 8 2026 · THE SURVIVOR · NEW MAIN CHARACTER ENERGY

The Marriage

b. once upon a time — d. 2026 · legally single, gorgeously so

Passed peacefully at the courthouse after a long, complicated, occasionally lovely run. It is survived by the guest of honor pictured here — who is, by every available account, thriving. In lieu of flowers, bring your best outfit and worst dance moves.

— The Committee, acting entirely in the spirit of a fresh start

Service commences in
--DAYS
--HRS
--MIN
--SEC
Pay your respects Order of service

◈ 721 Coronado Blvd, Sacramento
Pool + BBQ · bring a swimsuit & your own towel

We gather here today

A CELEBRATION
OF LIFE. HIS.

The relationship has been laid to rest. The party has been raised from the dead. What we are doing here is not mourning — it's a ribbon-cutting. One book closes, a far better one opens, and the man of the hour gets to be the main character again.

There will be no sad songs. No dwelling. No stories that start with "remember when." We are here for one reason and one reason only: to celebrate the ending, loudly, in our best clothes, on a dance floor.

Come as you are. Leave as someone's plus-one. That's the whole eulogy.

The guest of honor
PICTURED: THE GUEST OF HONOR, THRIVING

SINGLE
LOOKS GOOD. — the room, in unison, upon his arrival

The order of service

HOW IT
GOES DOWN.

A funeral, technically. A party, obviously. All times are approximate; the vibe is not.

1:00 PM
The Viewing
Doors open at 721 Coronado Blvd. Bring a swimsuit and your own towel — you'll want both. Grab a drink, sign the book. The body (the marriage) is not available for viewing. It's gone. It's better this way.
1:00 PM
The Baptism
The pool opens with the doors, because rebirth is a wet business. Cannonball into the new chapter. Swimwear on, towel within reach — no towel, no sympathy, no exceptions. Consider yourself renewed.
2:00 PM
The Resurrection
The grill fires up. A full BBQ, all afternoon — every dietary need handled, no questions: gluten-free, vegan, carnivore, all of it. Beverages flow for all. Nobody leaves this wake hungry or thirsty.
3:30 PM
The Eulogies
Say something kind. About him. About freedom. About the future. Never the past, never a person. We punch up at the situation, and only up.
SUNSET
The Second Act
Lights down. Music up. This is the part the whole thing was for. New era officially in session. Main character energy is now mandatory.
LATE
Open Floor
No curfew. No promoter. The afterlife continues for as long as the crew remains. Leave when you must. Statistically, someone here will not want you to.
The terms

THE SETTLEMENT.

Eight clauses. Non-negotiable. Signed in glitter, notarized by the group chat.

CLAUSE 01

Dress code is 'alive'

Wear black, wear white, wear your most fashion-forward self. Funeral chic. Come dressed as the version of him he's about to become.

CLAUSE 02

No gifts. He kept the good stuff.

The registry is closed. Bring yourself, bring energy, bring a story that isn't about the past. That's the whole ask.

CLAUSE 03

No exes discourse

This is a celebration, not a trial. No names, no "crazy," no blame. The joke is the ending — never a person. We punch up. Always.

CLAUSE 04

RSVP or haunt us

The guest list is the eulogy. Sign the book below. Ghosts who show up unannounced will be welcomed anyway — but do the man a solid.

CLAUSE 05

Bring a plus-one or be one

Single looks good. So does company. Dealer's choice. Meet-cutes are not just permitted, they are gently encouraged.

CLAUSE 06

The floor is sacred ground

Mission accomplished means we dance. No wallflowers at a resurrection. You came to send off a chapter — do it with your whole body.

CLAUSE 07

Towel edge is non-negotiable

There's a pool. Bring a swimsuit and your own towel — this is a backyard, not a resort. No towel, no sympathy, no exceptions. That clause is ironclad.

CLAUSE 08

Arrive hungry

The grill runs all afternoon and every dietary need is handled — gluten-free, vegan, carnivore. Come starving. Leaving a wake hungry is the only real tragedy.

▸ recovered footage · reel 08 · do not rewind
The guest of honor, camcorder footage
REC
THE SURVIVOR,
IN HIS NATURAL HABITAT.
▮▮ PLAY ▸ 00:08 · AUG·08
Now lying in state

THE RING.

Officially retired and lying in state for the duration of the service. It served with distinction. It is tired. It is off the clock. It requests no photographs, no touching, and absolutely no reminiscing. Pour one out — then move on. Everyone else already has.

The condolences

SO SORRY.
(CONGRATS.)

Real reactions from real guests. Not one of them is sad.

★★★★★

"Sending love, thoughts, and my number to anyone else who's single now. Gorgeous service. Not a dry eye — and not a sad one either."

— A Mutual Friend
★★★★★

"Never seen a man look this good at his own funeral. Ten out of ten. Would mourn again. Immediately."

— The Group Chat
★★★★★

"The catering alone was worth the whole ordeal. Editorial. Iconic. Free of charge. I said what I said."

— Anonymous Guest
★★★★★

"We came to grieve. We stayed to dance. We left with new numbers. This is how it should always be done."

— Two People Who Met At The Bar
★★★★★

"A high-fashion goodbye to a chapter that had run its course. Nightclub meets memorial. Nobody does closure like this."

— A Runway-Adjacent Publication
★★★★★

"I have attended weddings less joyful than this funeral. Genuinely one of the best nights of my year."

— Somebody's Plus-One
Answers for the bereaved

THE FINE PRINT.

Is this... actually a funeral?+
No body. No grief. Exactly one (1) symbolic marriage, respectfully laid to rest. Everything after that is a party. You are allowed to be happy — in fact, it's the dress code.
What do I wear?+
Funeral black, your most alive outfit, or straight-up swimwear — it's a pool party with a dress-code joke on top. Bring a suit and a towel; layer the drama over it. Think "mourning, but make it main character." The only wrong answer is sweatpants.
Wait — there's a pool? Do I need my own towel?+
Yes and yes. There's a pool and it opens with the doors — treat it as a baptism into single life. This is a backyard, not a resort; there aren't forty towels for forty guests. Bring your own. No towel, no sympathy. It's in the settlement.
What's the food and drink situation?+
A full BBQ running all afternoon, with every dietary need handled — gluten-free, vegan, carnivore, no questions asked. Beverages flow for all. Arrive hungry; leaving a wake starving is the only real tragedy.
Is it weird that I'm happy for him?+
It would be weird if you weren't. That's the entire point. We're here to celebrate a beginning that happens to be shaped like an ending. Relief is the correct emotion. Bring it.
Can I bring someone?+
Yes. Plus-ones welcome, meet-cutes encouraged. Funerals for marriages have a historically excellent track record for producing new ones. Just saying.
Do I bring a gift?+
No. He kept the good stuff in the settlement. Bring yourself and a willingness to dance. That is the entire registry, and it is non-refundable.
What's the rule about... you know?+
Simple: we don't. No names, no stories, no "crazy" anything, no bitterness. The joke is the situation, never a person. We punch up at the ending — always. This is a celebration of freedom, full stop.
The guest list is the eulogy

PAY YOUR RESPECTS.

Head count, plus-ones, and dietary needs are all handled on Partiful — two taps and you're on the list. No gifts. Bring a swimsuit and your own towel.

RSVP on Partiful →

Opens Partiful in a new tab · Saturday, August 8 · 1:00 PM · 721 Coronado Blvd, Sacramento